Change

Ah, 2017, apparently my year for CHANGE…

Whether anyone else reads this or not, my intention is to have a place to journal, kvetch, boast, just get out of me what’s been going on.

To start, now in my late 40s; a suddenly, horribly & emotionally overdrawn “single” woman. It’s a long story (relationship of 15 to 18’ish years?). I have no actual idea, since just finding out “he” emotionally left me years ago, for his high school “fantasy” crush, which he always claimed was just a friend (“she”‘s lived out of town until, tellingly, recently…) & started a secret family, while we were still living together, in the house we purchased together, using my parents money to help.

For our entire relationship, I was told the exact opposite of what he really wanted, I feel like he used me as a bed & other parts warmer, until what he really wanted was finally available (she left her husband for “him”, probably because she was knocked up by “him” by that point).

He never broke it off with me, just became colder, more distant, gaslighting me more & more, till finally, he would only address the dog, but completely ignore & blank me. The final straw was him telling me, casually, one night, he was going out to meet “her” for coffee. firstly, I couldn’t believe he was even actually talking to me & not the dog, but also, he doesn’t drink coffee.

I wanted to leave years before, but had NO WHERE else to go, I would have been living in a car. My parents wouldn’t make room for me to come back, not believing the situation was really what I claimed, taking his side (he is SUCH a good shmooser!). Finally, when my dad died horribly, in front of us, in the hospital, due to their surgical mistakes, there was room for me back “home”. I came back for a few months after, to help my mom after her own surgery, but, she’s one emotionally frigid ice queen. I’ve never been able to talk/share with her, daughter to mother, we have a very Harlow’s monkey sort of relationship. She was the monkey mom, in Harlow’s experiment, made of wire; only providing food but NO warming emotional connection… After she told me she no longer “needed me” & wanted my sick & dying other dog out of her house, I had to return to “his” (our) house. Now I know, “she” was knocked up by this point…

Why he was ok with me coming back, when I asked him, his reply was “I felt sorry for you”. Gee, thanks. So, for a year, I lived back at our house, wondering why he was behaving like he was, now I know.

I had planned to go back to my mother’s house once my sick dog died, because, well, receiving a daily ration of frozen over hell from someone you’re related to is, for me, the lesser evil.

My poor, dear, sweet little dog finally died, ravaged by cancer, even though “he” kept saying he had money saved to put the little fella down, when he was too sick. Instead, the poor little dog died, smelling of rot, eyes bulging from tumors, blood & snot spraying the walls when he’s sneeze. I held my little dog’s head in my lap, on the kitchen floor, while he passed away, trying to give him as much comfort as I could before he was gone. “He” kept repeating “oh buddy, oh buddy” over & over, but as soon as the little dear was gone, “he” went back to watching tv.

Once my pet died, I planned to move out that following weekend, but “he” apparently couldn’t wait that long  before ever so casually telling me about his coffee meet up…

The next morning, after “he” went to “coffee”, I started packing & moved back to mom’s, with my other dog. “he” kept looking at me like he wasn’t sure what was happening, as if he couldn’t believe it. The only thing I could say to him, was as I was ready to drive away, “Since you’re seeing other people, I don’t want to cramp your style any more”.  He shook his head, slowly, side to side, like I saw many times (usually accompanied by a sigh, eye roll & should shrug).

I have limited physical mobility due to a genetic condition, have very limited income & have been slowly moving my stuff over, car load by car load, as my body allows, trying to do this when I have “his” house to myself. That is to say, until about a week before Valentines day. He contacted me, wondering when I can finish moving my stuff because, get ready for it, “she”, their infant & “her” twin sister are waiting to move in (right on my heels!).

Yes, out of spite, I waited till after V day to do another move. So, my mom (she helps, just not emotionally at all) & I arrived yesterday, as planned & previously confirmed with “him”, only to find, yes indeed, his whore & their bastard (unless he also married her in secret) offspring), already ensconced, amongst my own things, as if it were her place all along & I never existed. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see, I felt like I was hit by a bus.

Even my mom was angry over this. When I texted him about it, he actually texted back “Sorry”. I think thats the 1st sorry I have ever gotten from him. He contacted me back, saying the house would be empty in a few minutes. Mom & I went back, only to find, the whore & her sister were actually actively using MY belongings as if they moved into a fully furnished apartment: fruit placed decoratively in my fruit bowl, my dish towels all over the place, a sink full of MY dishes (dirty too)…

We packed what we could with the 2 hours we had left for the day, came back to moms  place & I have done my damnedest to not over stress over this.

The whore is welcome to my sloppy seconds, but not to everything!

I’m guessing this doesn’t make complete sense, but at this point I’m just typing my anger out.

I have no one to talk to, my friends were his, since he started dating me soon after I moved back to town, & then, by the end he was trying to control who I could & could not be friends with. I should have known, when he got all bent out of shape over a guy friend I had made at the local library. During this time “he” got me pregnant (luckily, but sadly, I miscarried, due to my genetic issues & age) since he doesn’t use any protection, then blamed it on me cheating on him & having a quickie with a stranger (the guy friend I mentioned) in the library bathroom! Now, I realize, he was probably already schtupping his whore. That reminds me, I better go get checked for any diseases, ew…

This is all so recent, the moving out, finding out about his lies & deception, then finding the whore with my things (that was just yesterday), I NEEDED a place to vent! I can’t afford a therapist, so youtube has been an amazing help, plus, focusing on my own business, my wonderful dog, taking care of my health (I am suddenly not in critical chronic pain, which I have been in, often bedridden for about 5 years). Extra weight is falling off of me & I can think much more clearly, not as if I am in a fog.

They can have each other, they deserve each other, I just want my belongings & to get him in my past, so he will stop hurting me.

I have been on a few dates, but find, I am unable to trust anything ANYONE says to me now. I could easily break & say I’ll never be with another man again, but I REFUSE to allow him to do that to me! I’m slowly getting better, even my mom says so (wow), each day I feel a little farther away, but want closure as soon as possible, so I can get on with MY LIFE!

Wow, I really do feel better after writing all that. Much cheaper than a therapist.

I’m gonna go watch a corny B horror movie, probably featuring Vincent Price(one of my longtime crushes), now, to unwind.

p.s. I had a date lined up for tonite but he bowed out (which is why I’m here tonite, blogging). Again, I’m not sure if this guy was being truthful or not, but I don’t want to judge, though, I also don’t want to be strung along & lied to again either. Grrr…

 

 

 

Advertisements

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑